


Demons

by flashytonystark



Series: #PsychicGinger... I Ship It [4]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV), Game of Thrones RPF
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Altered Mental States, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - A Song of Ice and Fire, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Westeros, Bad Decisions, Bathtubs, Dark, Depressing, Depression, Developing Relationship, Dialogue, Difficult Decisions, Emotional, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Fear, Feelings, Game of Thrones - Freeform, Hiding, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Inspired by Game of Thrones, Internal Conflict, Internal Monologue, Lack of Communication, Lies, Living Together, Loss of Trust, Mental Breakdown, Modern Era, Modern Westeros, Nervousness, Non-Canon Relationship, POV Outsider, POV Third Person, POV Third Person Limited, Pain, Past Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Personal Demons, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Relationship(s), Scarred, Scars, Secrets, Self Confidence Issues, Serious, Struggle, Tension, Therapy, Triggers, Trust, Trust Issues, Water, internal demons, on edge, trigger warning, upset
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-02
Updated: 2016-01-02
Packaged: 2018-05-11 02:59:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5611339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flashytonystark/pseuds/flashytonystark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He told her to sleep, but how were you supposed to sleep when there were demons sitting on your chest, waiting for the perfect moment to swallow you whole for good?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Demons

**Author's Note:**

> **TRIGGER WARNING!!!!**  
>  PLEASE NOTE: This story may be triggering for some readers. There are moments where mental/physical abuse is somewhat discussed (Nothing in graphic detail!)  
> Some abuse is also implied.  
>  **THERE ARE MOMENTS OF IMPLIED/ATTEMPTED SELF-HARM/SUICIDE WHICH ARE ALSO LISTED IN THE TAGS ON THIS STORY**  
>  If you find any of these topics triggering, please make your own personal judgement call on whether or not you wish to read this story.
> 
>  
> 
> **ONCE AGAIN, THIS STORY MAY BE TRIGGERING FOR SOME READERS - PLEASE REVIEW THE TAGS AND THE AUTHOR'S NOTE BEFORE MAKING THE DECISION TO READ OR NOT.**
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you.

She could feel her chest tightening with each second, her lungs burning angrily as they screamed for oxygen. The water pressed against her eardrums, blocking out any sound but the deep thumping of her heart as it went into survival mode. Despite the lack of oxygen, Sansa remained unnaturally calm. She opened her eyes under the water and stared up at the distorted looking ceiling.  
  
_…ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen…_  
  
She kept counting and exhaled for half a second through her nose and a few bubbles popped up onto the surface of the water as she did so.  
  
_…nineteen, twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two…_  
  
It was becoming harder to force her eyes to stay open, the edges of her vision slowly turning black. Panic and fear were edging their way into a corner of her mind, but she pushed them back, willing herself to stay calm; she could do this. No distractions, no second thoughts, no panicking. The water was supposed to be calming, cleansing...  _purifying._  
  
_Purifying_. It’s exactly what she needed.  
  
Her head became too heavy to lift and her vision had almost darkened completely. Just a little bit longer…  
  
“San _sa_! What’d you do, fall asleep reading in the tub again?” Jojen pounded the side of his fist on the door with one hand while jiggling the door handle with the other. “Sweetheart, come on! I wanna go to bed soon.”  
  
Sansa sat up abruptly at Jojen’s booming voice and relentless pounding on the door. Water sloshed out of the tub, ran down the sides, and puddled on the floor as she gasped desperately for air. It took everything she had to not cry out; Jojen couldn’t know—he could _never_ know.  
  
“Sans? You awake?” His knocking had subsided, but he still gripped the door handle as he pressed his forehead against the door, listening for any sound of movement from her.  
  
“Yeah, yeah… Sorry, fell asleep.” She stretched her legs out in front of her and crouched over as she tried to get the burning feeling that was eating its way through her chest to alleviate. _Shit_ , it burned. She heard Jojen rap his knuckles against the wooden door twice in acknowledgement before padding off toward their bedroom.  
  
When she could breathe again without wanting to scream in pain, she drained the tub and stepped out, reaching for her towel. She dried and dressed, brushed her hair and teeth, and cleaned up the floor and side of the tub. She needed to compose herself completely before going and getting into bed with Jojen; she had to appear fine, as if she hadn’t just almost drowned herself.  
  
_Holy Shit_. She had really almost drowned herself. When she got into the tub, that had been the last thing on her mind; even when she had slid down until the water encased her, it had still been the last thing on her mind. Water was supposed to be calming and purifying and that’s exactly what she needed. It was what she _craved_  She wanted—no, needed—to feel calm. She needed that feeling of purity. She wanted to feel _whole_  again. She kept replaying what happened in the moments before Jojen came to check on her and the panic sat in.  
  
She pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs, squeezing tightly as the reality of what _could_  have happened hit her like a ton of bricks. She tried to keep herself from crying but couldn’t; she shoved her face into her knees in an attempt to muffle her sound as much as possible.  
  
She hadn’t always been like this—so on edge, so fragile, so _broken_. Abusive relationships could do that to a person though. She had thought getting over Joffrey and his mind games had been a nightmare, but that was nothing in comparison to Ramsay.  
  
Joffrey toyed with her mind, made her paranoid and afraid. There were times she wouldn’t leave the house without him because he had her convinced something terrible would happen. He had her wrapped around his finger and he knew it. He loved the mind games and experimenting with how far he could push Sansa, how much he could mess with her mentally. She was nothing more than a toy for him, and when he got bored of his seemingly ruined and broken toy, he tossed her aside like she was nothing.  
  
It had taken her a while to build herself back up. Her confidence had been shattered, she was jumpy and didn’t like being in crowds or around loud noises. She was nothing like her usual bright and vibrant self after she and Joffrey had broken up; she was so reclusive, Ned and Cat had no other option than to send her to one of the best therapists they could find. It took a lot of time and hard work sifting through everything Sansa had endured, but eventually, she started to feel like herself again. She was happier and more sociable, she could leave her parents and go places by herself, and crowds didn’t bother her nearly as much anymore. She beat Joffrey at his own game. She wasn’t exactly the same person she was before they dated, but it was close enough and most people couldn’t tell much of a difference.  
  
No, Joffrey wasn’t the problem. Joffrey wasn’t the reason for the dark circles that were starting to settle under Sansa’s eyes. He wasn’t the reason for her skittishness around Jojen when he would give her surprise hugs from behind. He wasn’t the reason she’d lie awake in bed next to Jojen night after night. This time it wasn’t Joffrey—it was Ramsay.  
  
Finally calmed down enough, Sansa unraveled her arms from around her legs, got up, and walked over to the mirror. She leaned in close to examine how exhausted she looked and shuddered at how horrible she appeared. She splashed a bit of cold water on her face and hung up her wet towel before exiting the bathroom and going to bed.  
  
Thankfully, when Sansa got to the bedroom she shared with Jojen, he was already in bed, curled up and fast asleep. She hated it when she’d be upset and he’d pick up on it; he always wanted to talk about what was wrong when she wanted nothing more than to shove her feelings down and bottle them up where no one could access them, including herself.  
  
Before crawling into bed, she flipped off all the lights and stopped, immediately going to her dresser to turn on a small battery operated candle that cast a soft orange glow on her half of the room.  
  
After the hell that was her relationship with Ramsay Bolton, things had turned dark for Sansa. She had developed irrational fears and forms of PTSD. The therapy that resulted from being with Joffrey was nothing compared to what she had to go through after being with Ramsay. But she had done it, she had gotten through it, and she had worked through many of her issues and fears. She was doing well for herself, her grades were back up, and she had managed to move out on her own. Ramsay ended up in prison on multiple abuse and attempted murder charges that he later committed after he and Sansa had split; she was safe and happy. She had even met Jojen.  
  
Jojen knew what Sansa wanted him to know of her past relationships. She’d cut out parts of her stories entirely or gloss over various situations, always making it seem better than what it really was. She didn’t like talking about it much, so they kept the discussions to a minimum. It wasn’t until Sansa found out days before that Ramsay had managed to get out of prison on good behavior that she started to regress back to her old self.  
  
She’d jump at funny shadows on the walls and would double and triple check the locks on the doors when she was home alone. She had started having nightmares again of Ramsay and the abuse, many times waking up out of a dead sleep, clutching at her neck, gasping for breath. If Jojen hugged her too tightly she’d tense up, if he kissed her neck she’d squirm and push him away, and she’d wince whenever he came toward her too fast. She was finding more and more places in their apartment to hide and cry whenever she’d feel overwhelmed, including the pantry and laundry room.  
  
As she crawled into bed, she felt Jojen’s arms wrap around her as if programed to do so, and she squeezed her eyes shut, silently begging the tears to hold off. She felt used and unclean. She didn’t deserve to have Jojen there, holding her tightly as if everything would be fine. She didn’t deserve how kind and patient he was with her, or how he’d whisper reassuringly in her ear when she’d start having flashbacks because something silly set her off. Sansa didn’t think it was fair for Jojen to be forced to carry some of her burdens, to deal with her demons.  
  
When she mentioned it to him late one night as he cradled her while she sobbed, he sighed and shook his head, pressing a kiss to her temple. “Everyone has demons, Sans. Let me help you with yours.”  
  
He was right, of course. He always was. Everyone had his or her own demons to deal with. People change, fallouts and breakdowns happen, relationships blossom and burn, friendships end, waves of confusion, anger, hurt, and fear consume people whole. Some people were just better than others were at hiding their demons. Sansa had always considered herself to be part of the category that hid them well, but she was quickly discovering that she was wrong about herself.  
  
She never understood how someone could be so loving and so _selfless_ , especially where she was concerned. He’d tried to reassure her dozens of times that he didn’t care about her past, that he only cared that she was happy and in a good place. It didn’t matter though—she was afraid one day she’d wake up and he’d be gone. But each morning, she’d wake up and he’d still be there, arms wrapped tightly around her as if she might slip away. She’d never understand how he could love her with such ferocity. She loved him back just as much though; she loved him so much it scared her. She knew that if he ever left, she’d crumble into a million pieces and nothing would be able to put her back together.  
  
She trembled in his arms at the overwhelming feeling that threatened to crush her, her mind wandering back to the burning in her chest and lungs as she submerged herself in the tub. She wanted to be normal, to not be broken, to feel worthy of the love she felt radiating from the person holding her.  
  
Jojen must've felt her trembling. He woke up and mumbled groggily. “Sansa?” He asked, pressing his face into her hair. “You’re fine, you’re safe, and I’m right here. Just sleep, baby.”  
  
Sansa nodded, not trusting her voice, and closed her eyes and tried to sleep, only to open them a few minutes later with no luck. She stared at the opposite wall for what seemed like hours, eyes unmoving and unseeing as she listened to Jojen’s calm and steady breathing.  
  
He told her to sleep, but how were you supposed to sleep when there were demons sitting on your chest, waiting for the perfect moment to swallow you whole for good?

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you've been enjoying the Sansa and Jojen fics found in this series! 
> 
> I took a bit of a break from "happy, discovering-that-we-like-each-other Sansa and Jojen" to explore the broken and angsty side of Jojen and Sansa's relationship, and I'm rather happy about that decision. Now, if you were really enjoying the first few that I posted in this series, don't fret, I have another one of those in the works right now and I'll be posting it soon! 
> 
> I'd also like to mention that I will be posting another "sequel" it to "Demons" which is titled "Snapped."  
> Literally, I'm going to finish up here and post this one (Demons) and get straight to posting "Snapped." Both are finished and ready to go - this is my New Year's gift to you lovely readers! Two stories back-to-back!
> 
> So, I recommend reading this one first, but it isn't a necessity. This one just makes sense of a line that I've written in "Snapped," but that's all. 
> 
> I promise to shut up in just a moment! One last thing before I go - a friend of mine wrote something in response to "Demons" from Jojen's point of view that is set during the same night at this, so it's kind of like a continuation. The continuation isn't necessary for "Demons" and "Snapped" to make sense together, which is why I'm posting both.
> 
> **HOWEVER.** If you are interested in reading the continuation from Jojen's POV, please let me know in the comments and I'll talk to my friend right away about getting the link to the piece and I'll post it here in the notes! I have to get her permission first, so if you're interested, LET ME KNOW!
> 
> Okay, I'm done ranting! I hoped you enjoyed "Demons!" Don't forget to check out Snapped! 
> 
> Adios, amigos~


End file.
